The Dark Side of His Choice
by xyber116
Summary: What if Castle took the job to write about a certain British spy? A dark fic following When The Bough Breaks, 2x05.


A/N 1: I have to be the most angst ridden TV viewer. This is my first Castle and I'm totally in love with the show.

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He was so stupid. Maybe if he hadn't taken that book offer. What if he hadn't procrastinated. Maybes and what ifs swirled in his head as he sat through the funeral. Kate Beckett's funeral at that.

He had spent the last 6 months trying to write about spies and espionage but all he could think about was Kate Beckett. He had actually penned two more Nikki Heat novels while he was supposed to write about the British spy. How much he wanted to be on the front lines with her again. If he had been with her that day, then maybe she wouldn't be lying in a box right now. Maybe he wouldn't be listening to the Captain give an eulogy.

Instead he could be out solving crimes with her. Eventually, he thinks, he would have just been with her. He would have loved, like he didn't already love her, just more out in the open. And maybe, just maybe, she would have loved him back.

He didn't think he could ever read about a certain British spy ever again since he blamed that damn spy for her death. He didn't think he could even write anymore. How could he? His muse was dead. He didn't think he would ever find that type of women again. She had been extraordinary in his eyes. But he thought, maybe I'll publish those last two books just for her. This little thought brought a small smile to his lips. He could imagine the grief she would give him over the novels, how she would want an advanced copy, and how easily he would give in. How badly he wished that she was sitting right there next to him so he could tell her about the novels.

But she wasn't. She was in the coffin, on the stage, with a 21 gun salute going off around her. With the last shots fired, the funeral was over and people began to file out. He, however continued to sit there and watch as some workers moved her to her coffin. He couldn't tear his eyes from her. He wanted to watch until the last moments closed over her casket.

Just as they brought the coffin down from the stage, he felt a hand on his shoulder and for a brief moment he looked up. It was the Captain standing over him and he immediately turned his eyes back to watch the scene before them. He felt the Captain sit down next to him.

There was a silence between the two men for a few moments and Castle thought he might escape the impending lecture that he felt coming.

"You know," the Captain paused briefly to contemplate his words. "She missed you a lot when you left. Not that she would ever tell you that."

"That doesn't exactly make me feel any better. In fact, it just makes me feel worse," Castle retorted as he kept his eyes on the coffin. Like he didn't already feel like crap. Actually he felt like dying and that feeling most of all scared him. Since when did he become Romeo?

"Yeah, sorry," the Captain said as he pulled an envelope out of his jacket pocket. "I found this when I was helping clean out her desk. It has your name on it."

He held it out for Castle to take and he did without pulling his eyes away from the slowly moving coffin that had finally arrived at the Hearst.

"Thanks," He curtly replied as he slipped the letter into his jacket. "Where is she going to be buried?"

"Next to her mother. I'm not quite sure what cemetery that is." The Captain informed him. "But I'll make sure to let you know," And with that the Captain slipped away as they loaded her into the Hearse.

Once he was sure that he was alone, he pulled the envelope out of his pocket. Written on the outside was his name in her messy script. He could feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes and he didn't attempt to wipe them away. It was the first time since being informed of her death that he'd cried. He gently pulled up the flap to reveal the letter inside. He wasn't sure that he wanted to read the letter for fear of what it said.

Would it make him feel better or worse? He wasn't sure he could risk the latter.

He was pulled from his thoughts as he heard the Hearse start up. He had to read it he decided as he took the letter from the envelope and carefully unfolded it. On the top he saw a date from a few months ago. He paused again wondering if he should continue. But his curiosity pressed him on and as his eyes read the words, he began to cry and by the time he reached the end, he could barely make out the words.

The tears continued for what seemed like a lifetime and he choked up. He couldn't seem to catch his breath as he tried to gasp air. He had missed out on the opportunity of lifetime for a stupid book deal. A damn book deal. He was mad at himself more than anything in the whole world because he felt like he could have saved her. Maybe he could have jumped in front of the bullet. But then, she would be the one sitting here and he would be the one on the way to the burial plot.

He continued to sit there until he was numb from the cold and the sun was setting. He considered calling his mother for a ride home but thought better of it as he walked to the nearby street to hail a cab. He carried the letter in his hands like it was a lifeline as he climbed into the cab and gave the driver his address. He watched as the city flew by and he wondered how he was going to carry on.

At that moment he felt his cell vibrate in his pocket. While he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, he did have responsibilities to some people. Castle looked at the caller ID and saw that it was his daughter. He debated for a moment to answer the call or not. Alexis didn't need to hear him in such a state or see him for that matter. But his overwhelming feeling of being a father took over and he answered the phone open.

"Hi sweetheart," he answered in the most dejected voice.

"Hey dad, when do you think you'll be home?" she asked and Castle could hear the concern in her voice. He usually called to let her know if he would be home late.

"I'm on my way sweetheart. Sorry I was gone so long," he tried to keep the sadness out of his words but he knew Alexis would catch on.

"Okay, I'll have something ready to eat then," she paused briefly, wondering how her dad was doing. "And dad, everything will be alright. I'm here."

"Thank you Alexis," he said feeling only the tiniest bit better.

"Okay, I'll see you when you get home then. Bye," Alexis said before she ended the call.

"Bye," he whispered at his daughter.

Castle laid his head back on the seat of the cab. He may have missed out on the love his life but he still had Alexis. He still had to be her father. Be her hero. He realized that he might not feel like living anymore but he had to. For Alexis. That one thought pressed him on. Beckett would want it. For him to carry on. For him to be there for his daughter. Not to pull away like her father had. And with that, he made a resolution to keep on living for Kate Beckett's sake.

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A/N 2: Dark. I know, but please review. Does Castle call Alexis sweetheart? I couldn't remember.


End file.
